Feb 122012
 

On a quiet Sunday morning, I can hear the trains rattling by.

I don't live close enough that they're audible with each passing (thankfully), but when the world is still outside my window then I can hear it, the distant clatter-and-clack, clatter-and-clack of an electric train rushing over tracks originally built to accommodate steam engines.

Sometimes — very rarely — it really is a steam engine, its strident whistle a jarring incongruity against the hum of twenty first century traffic.

Today it's making me somewhat melancholy — or perhaps I'm noticing it today because I am melancholy? Such is the inevitable cycle of these things.

I find myself thinking, today, of R.

I don't know her well, or indeed at all, really. But I think she's a very gracious and graceful woman.

Somewhat to my own surprise, I can do crises. Give me a car accident, or a family calamity, or even just someone in a panic and needing to be talked down, and that's all in my stride. But strangers, and social situations, they can (and often do) strain me to the very eye-teeth of my abilities. If something happens while I'm out there, on the raggedy edge of my coping skills — well, my defences are already stretched too thin, and I take the hurt deeply.

Those situations that undo me, R. takes in her stride. She faces them with manners that are downright Victorian: she's warm and open and engages fearlessly and competently in any conversation. She dares, and she's bullet-proof … or at least, whatever wounds she takes, she doesn't show. She is grace under pressure.

Everyone has something to teach us, and R. taught me that sometimes, all it takes to be amazing is a very small, simple thing — like caring.

Jan 102012
 

The playlist for the kelpie story is full of drowning songs. Sinking songs. Listening to it is like having all the air siphoned slowly out of my lungs while weariness expands like a squeaking black balloon in my head.

I suspect I need to write this story very, very quickly — or else very, very slowly.

Probably I will do neither of these things.

Jul 252011
 
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Things that suck about being a writer:

  • You can never find (enough) time to write.
     
  • You can never find (enough) time to get anything done as thoroughly as you'd like.
     
  • You carry a vague and incessant guilt with you everywhere, for: stealing time to write; not writing every second you find you have spare; promising yourself you'd get three pages but only managing two, or one; neglecting the vacuuming; neglecting your friends; insert reason here.
     
  • You don't understand the phrase "time off".
     
  • People will think you're joking about not understanding the phrase "time off".
     
  • Remuneration. Even if you get some, chances are it's so small it redefines the term "pittance".
     
  • Remuneration. Even if it's not a (writer's version of a) pittance, nobody but you will see the years of work that went into earning that apparently-impressive amount which is, on a dollar per hour basis, a pittance.
     
  • You compare yourself to other people in unrealistic — not to mention unhealthy — ways.
     
  • You cannot, even if you do write fast, write fast enough.
     
  • Loved ones will urge you to put off today's writing "just this once", blithely unaware that they are not the only ones urging that on any given day. You will blame yourself for the discord caused by saying no to them.
     
  • You have those days when you doubt not just your stories, but your very self. Because you've taken such a huge gamble, and wandered so far out the branch beneath you has turned into a twig, those doubts are damn scary ones.
     
  • You watch writers get published and writers fail to get published, and there is no pattern, no clear line that puts the good ones in one camp and the mediocre in the other. This is both terrifying and comforting. But mostly terrifying.
     

Things that are awesome about being a writer:

  • You write. It's incomparable.
     

The funny thing, it's not like I've been toying lately with the idea of not writing. Far from it! Oh, I've had my flirtations with that thought, in my time, but not lately. Yet this is the list that poured out when I sat down to the blog today.

I guess I needed the reminder.

beware of the dog

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Dec 022010
 

The other day, on learning that I write and have a couple of published books to my name, a new acquaintance asked me, "How do you fit it all in?"

Here's the thing: I don't. I really don't.

My flat hasn't seen more than a cursory clean in months; the only reason it's survived such neglect is because I'm not there for more than a few hours at a time to create any serious detritus. My kitchen sink is permanently full of dishes. My friends are always prodding me with a gentle reminder that it's been more than a couple of days since I last saw them, it's been weeks. (Thank all that's sacred that I have patient, understanding, forgiving friends.) On a good day I'm running on an hour less sleep than I need. I barely cook, because it takes too long for too little gain, and my grocery expeditions consist of little more than ensuring I have sufficient milk and bread to keep from starving.

Pretty glamorous, eh?

When I indulge in social activities, sleep and wordcount drop by the wayside. When the dayjob floods me with applications, sleep and wordcount drop by the wayside. When I take the time to get the sleep I need to function like a normal human being, friends and wordcount drop by the wayside. When I take the time to truly write, friends and work drop by the wayside.

Most of the time, if I'm ultra-organised, and skimp a bit each on my friends and my sleep (and a lot on my housework), I can balance everything. Sorta. Kinda.

Sometimes, life throws me a hefty curve-ball. And when my routine gets ripped out from under me — which has been pretty much a constant feature of 2010 — it takes a lot to regain my balance.

Oct 202010
 

I feel bereft, but I'm not sure precisely why.

I find myself standing in the centre of the room — the lounge room, the bedroom, the bathroom; my cubicle at work — and casting about me. As if, whatever it is I've lost, I must have dropped it somewhere nearby. But there's only the usual detritus of a time-poor monkey: a broken thread from a random sleeve; a hairband; two south korean coins, each worth one hundred won; the carcass of a clicky pen, done to death by too many commutes. There are notes to myself, on post-it notes and on torn scraps of paper; CDs pulled from their shelves; and a bemusing range of highlighters, including various shades of pink (or is one supposed to be purple?).

None of this looks like equanimity.

But what does equanimity look like? Maybe it's there, and I simply don't know to recognise it. I could ask Mr Balloons — I spotted him the other day, hanging over the edge of his balcony in his familiar glitter-eyed slump, smoking something sweet-smelling and chatting with great verve to, um, nobody visible. But his particular brand of calm is a little too brittle for my taste.

No, the equanimity I want is rooted in confidence, and is a far more robust thing. Not necessarily brawny, but at least resilient. A whippet might have the right form, all sleek and full of coiled power, but it has a gaze and gait too cautious, too unsettled. A snake, then, all elongate and elastic.

Wait. I know what equanimity rooted in confidence looks like. Or what it used to look like, when last I saw it.

It's small, too young to be made ugly by the fur-ification of adulthood, and black, and it has fangs that can pierce a human toenail. Should it sense your presence, it will turn to face you, and rear up to present those fangs and — despite the alarming disparity in size between you, the time-poor monkey, and it — it will charge. Because you and it both know one irrefutable fact: its venom puts it above you on the food chain.

It's a baby funnel web spider.

And it's not native to my flat, or my cubicle at work, or any of my new haunts.

No wonder I haven't been able to find it.

This is new territory. Everything has a new shape now. Even me. Especially me.

Sep 242010
 
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Last weekend I took a leap of faith.

It's been eating at me all week long, and I've only just realised that the reason I'm edgy, and angry, and wanting to lash out, is because I've been feeling vulnerable and stupid.

There was something I was waiting to do — waiting for the right time, the right moment. There were good reasons to wait, every reason to wait and none not to, and I'd promised myself I would do just that.

But last weekend, on the spur of the moment, I changed my mind.

I've decided I refuse to regret this.

Do things without always knowing how they'll turn out. Because certainty is a false goal.

Aug 012010
 

Chemically speaking, a catalyst is a substance that initiates or accelerates a reaction without itself being affected.

Which is correct, as far as it goes, but it's also a reductionist view.

The catalyst may appear unchanged from its initial state, but nevertheless it participates in the reaction. The reactants adhere to its surface, and squirm inside its pores. They shed an electron here, two there, dropping the detritus of their old form and using the catalyst to re-shape themselves into a new incarnation. They borrow the catalyst's stability and strength, plundering its interior as a means to an end.

Then they jump. Tearing themselves from the catalyst, dropping into the freedom of their shiny new form, they are butterflies climbing free of their caterpillar cocoons. They leave nothing behind, physically at least.

But the catalyst remembers. She lost some of herself, however briefly, to fund that transformation. They squirmed across the surface of her and burrowed into her capillaries, those caterpillars turned butterflies, those atoms in search of a new molecular pairing. It was by her power they were granted their new direction, and the strength and energy to pursue it.

They changed her, too, however briefly.

Jul 312010
 

I am, right this very second, supposed to be writing.

Sir Tessa is sitting across from me1 and she's working industriously.

I am not.2

Instead I am trying out Sir Tessa's new portable ergonomic keyboard. I am not succeeding overly well at typing with this contraption, because the keys are in the wrong space! They're also labelled weirdly, but, being a touch-typist, that's not so disturbing on the whole.

Being a touch-typist is also part of the problem, however. It means my fingers know precisely where the keys should be, and they're not there any more. Y and B are particularly troublesome: those two keys are supposed to be hit by the right and left index fingers, respectively. But I tend to indulge in some crossing of the keyboard, depending on the word in question, so every second time I try to hit either one of them I go for it with the wrong index finger and end up stabbing the table.

Yeah, I look pretty incapable right about now.

Maybe I'll go back to hunting and pecking. That's probably better for the wrists anyway.

  1. Well, she was, when we sat down. For all I know, given she's leant me her laptop riser stand and thus I can't see anything behind the screen, she's got up and run away, leaving me all alone in the library… []
  2. She's gonna be so disappointed in me, when she realises what I've been doing with my time… []
Jul 112010
 

Since the old routine was proving difficult to groove back into, post-Mongolia, I've been trying out a new routine. It's not quite working yet.

Previously I'd been landing early at the dayjob, and writing after I clocked off. This has the benefit of my morning tram not being a peak hour one, and the library, where I'm sure not to be interrupted, is open for my writing session. But the library is in the wrong direction, away from home, and errands tend to be scheduled in my writing time. All of which means it tends to vanish before I get to it.

So I've taken to writing before I clock on. It means I get to keep my non-peak-hour tram, I get to work more "normal" hours, and I get at least one hour's writing time that won't be eaten by errands. Sadly, libraries are not early-risers, so while my writing time isn't being eaten by errands, it's not sans interruptions. Decidedly not.

I've been thinking, this weekend, about what I can do to fix that.

There are a couple of external options — writing in a cafe, for example — but maybe what I really need to change is my mind-set.

Writing used to be easier and swifter than I find it now. Partly that's because I'm more conscious of the craft, and trying to exercise finer control over it; a slower pace is a natural consequence. But maybe it's also partly because I have a habit of pushing myself too hard.

Because pretty much all this year I've been caught in a vicious cycle. I'm tired, from working long hours, which means I don't hit even the modest wordcount I'm aiming for, so I push myself harder the next day and work all weekend to catch up, which means I'm tired from working long hours with no break, so I don't hit even the modest wordcount I'm aiming for…

From now on I'll be taking at minimum one day off a week — and that day is going to be a weekend, so it's a proper rest from all forms of work.

And in the meantime I'm going to practise being more in the now,1 so that when I am interrupted it doesn't take me 20 minutes to get back into my train of thought. Or so that when I'm writing, my mind is working — not on how many words I've written or revised (and oh no I only have 20 minutes left before I have to clock on) — but instead on how I'm going to fix this next sentence, this next paragraph, this next scene.

  1. Oh, and also, I am going to get to all those emails and phonecalls currently waiting on me to return them. Just, yanno, when I can. []