Yesterday involving some good news,1 last night required celebrating. Which is how I ended up at one of my favourite locals, a grungy pub with a grandiose name in direct contrast with the ubiquitous portraits of Arab sheiks and its decidedly less than grandiose couches and crazy wallpaper and praying mantis mural.
So, naturally, because I was with speculative fiction writers, and we like to discuss the important issues, the topic of zombies came up. LOTS.
And who cares whether it's already a meme2, it is now.
The question is this: Zombie Apocalypse. You choose: Location. Weapon. Soundtrack.
Karen gobsmacked me with the promptness of her answer (clearly, she's considered this issue in some detail before now) and I very nearly pulled my normal stunt when put on the spot, which is to blush, and stammer, while my brain does a flawless impression of a sponge. Luckily, alcohol, while it does kill brain cells, seems to concentrate on killing the shy ones first, so I managed to sidestep my normal reaction and, even better, summon up an actual answer. Which I shall share with you all, because it amused me, although I do reserve the right to change my answer repeatedly and at any point.3
In short:
- Location: South Yarra
- Weapon: A machete or two
- Soundtrack: Mad World (the Gary Jules cover)
Location is easy: I'm always at work, so it's got to be South Yarra. I'm picturing one of those trendy chic upmarket roof gardens or courtyards, full of ambience and dripping with money I don't own and can't seem to find, and full of people who (if they weren't zombies, obviously) look glam and fab and corporate. Because this is up to me, however, I will look better in my knee-high boots than they ever did even when they were actually alive and not covered in blood, gore, and the brain tissue of their (and probably my) work colleagues.
Zombies, zombies, squished and jostling every inch of this placid courtyard. I'll be on that little balcony off to the right, leaping into their squirming, reaching mass. In slow-motion. Naturally.
The weapon I gave less thought to, admittedly. I'm not entirely sure where I'm going to get usable blades, because at work we don't even have knives sharp enough to cut cake. But I just feel that long blades are going to look awesome with my wardrobe, which, as I might have mentioned, is going to be corporate and hawt. And not a little bit schoolgirl anime, because obviously I'm vicariously reliving my adolescence in this scenario.4
I will probably have my hair back, for practicality's sake. And I will be wearing knee-high boots, not knee-high socks. And, um, I'm not actually a brunette. (Oh, and also? Those three in the background look far too surly. They're probably already zombie-food by this point.)
And as for the soundtrack, well, there's not much to say on this one other than: HECK YEAH I'M GOING EMO ON THE SCORE. This is South Yarra, with corporate zombies, and I'm going down in slow-motion glory. I can think of no better soundtrack to underscore this poignant moment.
- In my case, it was dayjob related, so I won't bore you with too many details, but suffice to say the past 2 and a half months has been an examination period, wherein every single report I wrote had to be handed in to be scrutinised by no less than 3 people. Who each gave me a mark. And then all those marks added up. And in order to pass the exam, I had to score a minimum of 95% — which, yes, is INSANE, and possibly is reason aplenty for explaining my strange and frazzled state of late… The good news being that I passed, I passed, frabjous day take that, voice in my head that taunted me with thoughts of inadequacy! [↩]
- Seriously, if it's not already a meme, I'd be surprised — but I'm too lazy to google because I've been awake since 5:30am for no reason whatsoever except my circadian rhythms apparently possessing some kind of ninja-competency doctorate in cruelty. DAMN YOU, BIORHYTHMS. DAMN YOU. [↩]
- It's a zombie apocalypse! I can't be tied down! I need to be free! And organised! And have backup plans! [↩]
- I am including this picture because it ticks the corporate, hawt, and schoolgirl boxes — but mostly because this picture did actually come up when I searched for zombie apocalypse corporate wear. I do not really see why, but I heartily approve. [↩]
