and the mome raths outgrabe

Sometime last year, my bank (in a fit of promotional madness) sent me a couple of free movie tickets. I can't remember why — I think I answered a survey or some such inanity. Anyway, not the point. The point is that the free movie tickets were for Greater Union cinemas, of which Melbourne has exactly … one. Which I simply never get to.

Yesterday, determined not to waste a free movie ticket, and being near town, and having wanted vaguely to see Iron Man 2, I redeemed one of the free tickets.

Which is how I found myself in a darkened room with a blank cinema screen, alone but for one other man.

Said man was eating popcorn, ostensibly. Well, in fact, he was eating it quite frantically. I have never in my life seen anyone attack a bucket of popcorn with such frenzy. I soon figured out why.

Eating the popcorn was covering (or, in point of fact, significantly failing to cover)¹ the sounds of his real purpose in sitting in the back of a darkened, ill-frequented cinema. Namely a little bit of quality time with Mrs Palmer and her five daughters, as it were.

I wish I was kidding at this point. But alas, there is a distinct and unmistakable quality to the breathing of a person who is, shall we say, rather focussed on achieving an imminent outcome. And that grunting and groaning was not about clearing his throat of popcorn kernels.

Thankfully, I was out of the splatter zone, and he didn't stay to watch (and ruin) the movie.² Here's hoping that redeeming the second free ticket is not quite so eventful, eh?

1. But hey, I appreciate the effort. I think. [↩]
2. Although why he would choose to masturbate to a blank screen and vapid advertising when he could have waited for Scarlett Johansson's lycra-clad gyrations I do not know. [↩]